Every Single Day...

"The loss of a beloved is an amputation."
-C.S. Lewis

So, about a month ago, I sat down and wrote a post to publish on the anniversary of my dad's passing. It was very negative and pretty depressing. Even though I said I wasn't trying to "throw a pity party" in it, it definitely still came off that way. It was called "Every Single Day", and it was about how I don't just miss him on the "big days" like Christmas, Easter, Father's Day, etc...but that I missed him, well, Every Single Day. I decided to scrap that post and write a different one...

My wife, daughter, and I just got back from a family vacation in Myrtle Beach this last weekend. We chose Myrtle Beach because that is where my dad was living (and where his dad lived)...it was where my dad died...it was where we spread my dad's ashes. We chose to go when we did because it was the one year anniversary of his death. It may sound kind of morbid and strange that we would choose that for our family vacation, but that's exactly why we chose it. We wanted to spend time as a family in place that we loved and still have a remembrance of my dad.

We had an amazing time. We made it a conscious decision to enjoy our time there. I did take a few minutes in the morning during my runs on the beach to reflect on "stuff", but for the most part, we spent the entire trip enjoying our time as a family on our first vacation together.

Today marks one year since my dad passed away...and after our vacation, I realize how many blessings I had in the timing of when he died. Instead of not throwing a pity part in this post, I've decided to talk about some of these blessings.

Probably the first "blessing" is just the way he died...when I tell people he died of a heart attack while running, their first thought is typically a long, painful event. My dad was out running on the beach (which he loved to do) and collapsed. There was a cardiac nurse within 20 feet of him on the beach when he fell and she said that by the time she got to him, he was already gone. She tried CPR on him for a while until the paramedics arrived, but to no avail. Basically, he died extremely quickly doing something he loved in a place he loved being.

My dad was happier than he had ever been in his life. Every time we went down to Myrtle Beach to visit him, he was always smiling, laughing, and talking about how he just felt so free and young again. He constantly talked about how he couldn't believe that he got to live like he did. He was a social butterfly down there. He made more friends -- CLOSE friends -- down there in the 2 years that he was down there than I have in the last 15. Everyone that met him liked him, and he made friends with everyone he ran into. How many people can say that they died at the happiest time in their life, surrounded by more close friends than you can count? Ok, probably none, since the dead can't talk, but you know what I mean.

I never had to see my dad get old. The last memories I have of my dad are of him being happy, loving life, and still 100% mentally present (and still trying to solve some of the biggest problems in physics and math). Do you know amazing it is to not have my last memories of him be him lying in a hospital bed, too weak to move? Or how nice it is that he never forgot who I was? The last memories I have of my dad are of my dad, not a fragile, dying shell of a person.

Probably the hardest thing I have had to deal with over the last year is knowing the fact that my daughter will never get to meet my dad. I have dwelled on this fact more than I probably should. What I keep forgetting is that at least my dad knew about her. I won't go into any details here, but the fact that we were able to tell him that he was going to be a grandpa only a month or two before he died is amazing. When he found out, he was so excited. He told everyone he knew that he was going to be a grandpa. Even though my daughter will never get to meet him, he loved her so much.

I can go on, but I think I'll stop there. It's so easy to look at the loss of a loved one and dwell on all the negatives. I know I have for the last year now. What I've started realizing is that it is more important to dwell on the positives...whatever they may be. I don't think there is a better way to describe the feeling than the above quote. Losing a loved one is literally like losing a piece of you. It forever changes you and who you are and how you view the world. You just have to decide if it changes you negatively or positively.

I love you, Dad. It's been the hardest year of my life...but I'm so thankful for everything you did for us...

And now for a couple shameless plugs for some amazing people in Myrtle Beach...if you are ever in the Myrtle Beach area, you have to stop by these places:

• Sun City Cafe - AMAZING food and even greater people.
• Alabama Theater - fun, family-friendly show.
• 2nd Avenue Pier (open air bar) - best views from a bar in the area...great service and food as well.
• Stages Video - ...if you ever need any video production work while you're down there...? No, seriously, just some amazing people :c)

Happy Father's Day

Tomorrow is my first Father's Day being a father. I actually started this blog in large part because of my father, so it seems fitting that the first post be about Father's Day.

Growing up, Father's Day was always just one of those holidays I never really understood (yes, along with Mother's Day). Sure, I "celebrated" it every year. I would wish my dad a "happy Father's Day" and maybe go out to dinner with him...but it was never really anything very special. I never really put a whole lot of thought into it. I honestly just didn't understand the point of having Father's Day at all. If you love and respect your dad all year long, why have a particular day set aside (besides to go have dinner wherever he wants)?

In February this year my first child was born. Everyone will tell you that there really isn't anything that can truly prepare you for becoming a parent, and they're right. My daughter has been alive in this world for a mere 4 months at this point and she has already caused me more joy and satisfaction that I could have ever imagined.

She has also caused me more frustration and exhaustion that I could have imagined. I think of all the sleepless nights, the crying and fussiness, the obscene amounts of bodily waste that could come out of such a small creature, and all of the times that I was so frustrated with her and just wanted to give up.  I then think about the fact that it's only been 4 months for me...I haven't even reached the toddler stage...or the tween/teenager stages! How am I POSSIBLY going to make it through all of THAT?!

Then I think about my dad. I realize that he went through this EXACT same thing with me. I had caused him all of this same frustration and exhaustion...all within the first 6 months of MY life. He never gave up on me...not through this, not through my toddler years, not through my teenage years...never. It really opens my eyes to everything my dad did for me. I am the dad I am today because of my dad...it's that simple.

Father's day really is a holiday that one can never fully appreciate until they become a father themselves. I think about how nice it will be if my daughter, even for one day a year, looks at me and truly thanks me for everything that I have done and all the hard work I do to support her.

So yes, this is my first year being a dad on Father's Day...it is also my first Father's Day without my dad. He passed away this last fall very suddenly and unexpectedly. So this is going to be an extremely bittersweet day for me. There are three simple words that I would give anything to tell my dad tomorrow. No, not "I love you"...I said that to him plenty. No, the three simple words are "I get it". I know my dad knew how much I appreciated everything he did for me; I know he knew how much I loved him; but I never had the opportunity to look him in the eye and let him know that I GET IT. I understand everything that he did for me...I understand all the pain and frustration and joy and happiness and stress and exhaustion that I caused him. I get it and I truly wanted to thank him for everything. But I will never get the chance to...

So please, if your dad is still with you, take the time to tell him how much you really do appreciate everything he has done for you. You would not be here if it weren't for him. Period. Going to dinner, getting a gift, saying "happy father's day"...all great and nice things. But don't be like me and not put much thought into it. If you are not a father yet, please don't wait until you are like I did to take this holiday seriously, because it might be too late.

Happy Father's Day, Dad...I get it...thank you for everything.